By: Shallin Squire
"My name is 'Bill', and I'm an alcoholic," my good friend stated at the beginning of our interview. Although I've known "Bill" for several years, I just recently learned that he is a recovering alcoholic, so such an introduction to this aspect of his life was appropriate.
Most of us recognize immediately from his introduction that Bill is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Having been alcohol free for 27 years, and carrying an AA coin in his pocket to celebrate that accomplishment, Bill agreed to share his story in accordance with AA recommendations, remaining anonymous while at the same time sharing his experience freely with the "sole objective…to help the still-suffering alcoholic" (see www.aa.org). Having successfully adapted the AA program in order to quit smoking about 18 years ago, Bill also expressed his hope that learning of his experience will help readers who are suffering from all types of addiction.
Bill began playing around with alcohol when he was 17 years old. He graduated from both high school and college, but his drinking continued. He began a well-respected career as a high school English teacher, but what his students and colleagues didn't know was that outside the classroom, Bill was becoming more and more dependent on alcohol and it was beginning to lead to a feeling of hopelessness.
Bill married at the age of 28 but found that his drinking was not a secret he could keep. He said, "I tried to hide my drinking problem from my wife, but I couldn't. I lacked confidence and had strong, inexplicable feelings of pain and inadequacy. I remember thinking, 'I didn't know why I am such a loser. I don't want to be a loser. I want to be successful.'"
In an attempt to feel less like a loser, and more like a successful human being, Bill opted for a major career change. He took a job in management with a national and international insurance corporation. He wore a nice suit to work and never missed a full day due to his somewhat-hidden drinking problem, yet Bill felt "more lack of control as time went on."
Although the actual split didn't happen for about another decade, Bill defines this point as when his marriage failed. He felt hopeless. His spouse would express her unhappiness and criticism, and eventually, as Bill explained, she became "codependent on [his] drinking, although she remained a non-problem drinker." Bill went on to explain, "I was getting mixed signals. My wife would get mad at me for drinking, but then she'd feel sorry and buy me booze as her way of apologizing."
When Bill divorced and was awarded only partial custody of his then-10-year-old son, Bill realized he was at the end of his rope. He stated, "I was willing to look at any option to get over my pain and suffering. Something had to be done. In this state of mind, I started using illegal drugs. I was in my forties! I contemplated suicide."
On New Year's Eve that year, Bill held a party. "It was a major party," he explained, "There was lots of booze, a little cocaine, and some other things. However, I had the party all by myself. I felt so inadequate at this point, and I didn't trust anyone, so I partied alone."
Bill awoke sometime on New Year's Day in 1984 and realized he could no longer continue on the path he was on. "I concluded that suicide was probably not the answer," he said solemnly. It was then that Bill acknowledged that he needed help. He said, "I got down on my knees and asked God to pull me out of this mess. I told him I couldn't go on. I surrendered. You don't win until you surrender."
Bill grasped one last strand of hope by calling a man he'd met at a drinking party a few months previous to that day. Bill had noticed and spoken with the man because the man didn't drink. His new friend picked Bill up and took him to an AA meeting in a substance abuse treatment center.
Bill described his first AA meeting: "I was still drunk even though I hadn't had a thing to drink since early that morning. I still felt hopeless. I saw people who were good looking people. They laughed and shook hands with each other. They weren't lonely and scared like I was. Before long, though, they convinced me that I wasn't a bad dude. I was a sick puppy. I could accept that."
Bill's AA friends challenged Bill to attend 90 meetings in 90 days, but that seemed overwhelming to him, so he promised to attend 30 in 30 days. Ultimately, though, Bill attended more than he was originally challenged, and he estimates that he attended 300-400 meetings that first year.
AA helped Bill discover that although he was powerless over alcohol, he wasn't powerless in other areas of his life. "I still controlled my destiny," he said. Still functioning in his career and society, Bill read any literature on recovery he could get his hands on, and he went to what little counseling he could afford at his own expense. He talked to every person he could find who mentioned AA.
"However," he explained, "success didn't come overnight. Those first 18 months were the most painful time I've ever gone through. After all, my pain killer was gone! Before that, whenever I felt pain I could drown it with alcohol or drugs. Now I had to deal with the pain. But, I knew I walked with a partner from beginning to end, and I believed that partner could help me if I would allow Him. That partner was God."
Bill says he is more of a spiritual person than a religious one, but AA encourages its members to reach out to God as each understands Him, and Bill became more religious through his experiences in becoming sober. In fact, he attributes his success, and even his continued existence, to God, particularly on one especially difficult and unforgettable day.
After about a year without alcohol, Bill said his career was getting to him, and the pain he was facing had become unbearable. He had made the decision to go to his apartment, get a handgun, drive to the desert, and end his suffering. However when he walked through the back door, he was disgusted to see that his window was open. When he got inside, he discovered that while his prized collections and valuables were still in place, his handguns were missing. "God sent me a thief!" Bill exclaimed.
Grateful that his life was saved, Bill continued on the path of sobriety and began helping other alcoholics to recover. He taught life skills, including addiction recovery, in a prison for 5 years, and he has been an AA sponsor ever since. He recently added the job title of bail bondsman to his resume, and when the opportunity arises, he offers help to those whose addictions have ultimately landed them behind bars.
Serving others helps Bill remember why he doesn't want to go back to his old lifestyle. Because AA taught him that alcoholism is a progressive disease, Bill knows that the path to becoming an alcoholic would be a very short one if he were ever to get on it again, so he has yearly, and even daily, plans for avoiding it: he goes through the 12 steps of AA in their entirety at least once a year, seeks forgiveness and strength from God daily, and keeps in contact with former alcoholics who've become friends and rejoices in their successes with them.
Bill is now 70 years old and has a successful, full-time career and many friends. Every aspect of his life and health has been improved as a result of breaking free from his addictions to alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes.
Bill feels that his life is proof that there is hope for those feeling hopeless. "People can go from being somewhat of a drain on society to contributing wonderfully to the world around them. That's what I'm trying to do." He encourages anyone reading this who needs help recovering from an addiction to seek help: attend an AA meeting, see a counselor, or look online or in the phone book for resources that are available. "There is help out there," he promises. "Remember what my friends at AA taught me: an alcoholic [or other addict] is not a bad person just because he is addicted; however, he is a sick person who needs help."
While Bill choose to remain anonymous for this article he was very excited about the fact at he was going to be able to share his story with others in order to help them also overcome their addictions or help the friends and family members of those who might be suffering from an addiction to recognize the problem and ultimately start the recovery process.
If you think you may have an addiction or think someone you know might have an addiction please visit www.aa.org for more information.
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